A few years ago I worked with a 14 year old boy who had a really difficult relationship with his parents. He told me he just didn’t see the point of sharing anything with his parents. He gave me a great example: one day after school, he and a few of his friends went to the park to hang out. One of them pulled out a joint, lit it, and started passing it around. Some of his friends were eager to try, but my client, despite being curious, decided to pass. When he got home, he couldn’t wait to tell his mom how proud he was of himself to be able to say no to his friends. Unfortunately, he didn’t even have the chance to get to that part. The minute he mentioned the word “weed”, his mom stopped him and started lecturing him about why he should know better to not hang out with “those people” and from that day on, he’d have to get home right after school.
For mom, what was gained there? Absolutely NOTHING. On the contrary, she destroyed the safety and trust in the relationship with her son. I suggest that parents stay calm when they hear what they don’t want to hear. Instead of the trying to correct their children right away, if you can listen first, it’ll make a big difference in creating the sense that you’re TRYING to understand what they’re going through. Trust me, when in doubt, listen.
Kin Leung is a bilingual Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Daly City and has a unique expertise in working with Asian Americans and their families. He also has over 8 years of experience working with the high school population as a School-Based Psychotherapist and is a Clinical Supervisor. In addition, for the past 3 years, Mr. Leung has volunteered at a local radio station where he addresses various mental health-related topics to increase the Asian community’s awareness about emotional health.